What is sleep consultancy?

Child sleep consultancy is a relatively new field so it did not yet get a chance to become fully regulated and supervised. This can be a good or a bad thing for a tired parent scrolling late at night.

Almost anyone can call himself a sleep consultant these days and a good one who knows what he or she is talking about is hard to find! Once you do find him, but mostly her, as most sleep consultants are women and mothers themselves, your view on your child’s sleep and your expectations and preconceptions will change forever.

I like to think about myself as one of the good ones, I didn't just wake up one morning, start an instagram account and call myself a sleep coach. I graduated from the Family Sleep Institute in the USA which is the institution that pioneered this profession. It involved weekly live courses, assignments, case studies, practical work with children of different ages, reading sleep books, science research, long term mentorship after graduation and continuous education in order to maintain the qualification. You can check the Family Sleep Institute's website, at the section dedicated to Germany.

All information I share with my clients and my followers is science based and it might seem I am challenging everything you know about your child’s sleep. I believe there is no such thing as a child who does not sleep, but only one who has not yet learned how to sleep well.

There are indeed many certified/qualified child sleep consultants & coaches but most fail to mention where. There are many certification programs offering diplomas for courses lasting from 2 days to some who resemble faculty studies. In case you already ran across this terminology before and are wondering if the paediatric sleep consultants are better or have studied more, rest assured not only they are not, but, it is not really fair to use “paediatric consultants”, it is a “hot” topic and the vast majority do not have medical studies.

My diploma uses the term “child sleep consultant” and allows me to work with children from 0 to 6 years of age, but it does not offer me any medical entitlement so in no way am I connected to a paediatrician and the vast knowledge they have about a child’s body. I do work close with paediatric offices and I get many referrals from their side, but still this does not entitle me to associate myself with the many, many years they have invested in medical studies so that we can eventually trust them completely with our little ones’ beginnings in life.

‍Ok, so what exactly do I do and what don’t I do?

I help parents get the rest they need by focusing on the child and always having his best interest in mind. You can check my way of working so that you have an understanding of the “bureaucratic” part of the cooperation. Once we actually start working together and you fill in the intake form, I use all the information you have shared with me to understand what exactly is causing the sleep issues you are encountering and we take it from there. Some initial consultations last an hour and parents leave our Zoom chat or the meeting spot completely refreshed and reassured and some consultations last well over 2 hours and we still have loads to work on.

No child is like another which is why there is no perfect and individual solution. If you ever see a sleep coach promising you a full night of sleep with absolutely zero tears in as little as one night, go ahead and ignore them freely as there is no such thing as no cry sleep solution. Of course, we will not leave the child to cry, close the door and be gone with the wind, but also there is rarely a situation when the child accepts changes to his former habits without protests.

I am very upfront with all my clients when I say that my part is easy but your part is the hardest. The child will eventually sleep almost as much or as little as you would like him to (within reason and depending on their age) and if you will become his coach and not his crutch, I can help you work some wonders around the sleepless situation.

I do not work with the cry it out method, I would never encourage parents to leave their children to cry until they fall asleep on their own, no matter the age. I advise and coach parents through a journey where we use gentle methods, we have patience with the child’s rhythm and we do not compare any child with his siblings, cousins, or peers of similar ages. Some children accept the new changes with an open heart and it becomes the new norm quite fast, so that sometimes I almost feel the urge of returning some of my fees as parents need so much less of my time than anticipated.

Some other times though, children take a little longer to settle into a new rhythm and that is fine too! There is no solution that works for everyone which is why you should totally ignore all amazing slogans of sleep consultants, books, groups and packages that “promise” you anything. A child sleep consultant cannot promise you anything but the best of our knowledge, experience, confidentiality, as sometimes some very private family matters do slip among the sleepy conversations and a non judgemental, professional but still friendly attitude. All the rest is a parent’s job!

If you will follow my carefully customized sleep plan as closely as possible, I can guarantee we will see some progress and you will see your child sleeping more, longer and better. If, on the other hand, the parents bring all sorts of “fine tunings” to the sleep plan, things tend to become chaotic, progress is slower in making an appearance and frustration and doubt start showing their ugly heads.

Sometimes there is need for a sleep training approach, although I like to call it “untraining” because basically we are helping the child unlearn the habits that brought him in this situation in the first place. Other times though, one conversation and some mild adjustments do the trick, and boom, the child sleeps like a hibernating bear and parents are sending me gifts through the post, hardly believing the child did it without the oh, so feared cry it out. Who uses it these days anyway?

Sleep is or at least should be easy, it is crucial for survival, it is intuitive and once you get the hang of it you will mark my words and be grateful I did not tell you what you wanted to hear or did not reassure you “it is ok”, “children don’t sleep”, “it will pass”. Please believe me, it will not pass, unless you want it to pass and are actively encouraging change and good, long lasting sleep habits.

Together with the parents we assess the routine, the environment, the habits, the background, the existing health conditions and together we decide on an approach. If I suspect a sleep disorder, sleep apnea or any other medical condition, I refer the family for further investigations and we pause any attempts of working on sleep improvements in case there is more than the tip of the iceberg we are seeing.

To be honest, real sleep disorders are far less common than thought, and most children who are labelled as “insomniacs” (I was one of them but I grew up in different times with different access to information) just need help finding and implementing long lasting healthy sleep habits. I do not encourage the use of melatonin or sleep inducing medication and I am very strict when it comes to staying in “my lane”.

Although I am currently working towards my IBCLC lactation qualification as well, I do not overstep my current, official and legal area of expertise and I advise breastfeeding mothers only as much as sleep and maternal milk “meet”. Any cm further, I will refer you further for specialists to make sure we are not missing anything or doing more harm than good.

So, should you pay or rather not pay a sleep consultant?

Friends’ advice is good, they certainly mean well, most of the time at least, but they have the disadvantage of being solely filtered through one’s personal experience with his child. It is in human nature to project all our thoughts and feelings onto someone else so maybe what worked for them or what eventually turned out to be their problem, is clearly far away from your magical sleep sweet spot.

Same as you should not take life changing decisions based on a girls’ night out and you should clearly seek independent, unbiased and specialized help from a therapist, please, do not treat your child’s sleep as an opportunity for friendly chats in mothers’ groups. As useful as they are for empowerment, empathy and reassuring that all mother are in this together, you will rarely find the proper advice when it comes to sleeping, breastfeeding, weaning or potty training.

Go ahead and contact that sleep consultant (why not, give me a chance too!), breastfeeding consultant, buy that medical book about potty training or attend that weaning seminar. Nothing is too expensive when it comes to our children’s health (only toys can be too expensive, don’t buy too many toys, they will end up playing with whatever you want to work with anyway). It pays off when you will see your child thriving, sleeping like a sloth, eating well and you will be feeling confident you have done anything you could to offer him the best care there is.

Also please, have me in mind next time you are considering “ to pay or not to pay a sleep consultant” ! I have been a chronically sleep deprived child well into my teenage years and I am still paying expensive adult sleep therapists to tell me how the source of my problems is in the early childhood sleep, or actually lack of it and how the solution lies in even more expensive hypnosis sessions.

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