Maybe you have already spent considerable amount of time trying to get your child to sleep through the night and now you read somewhere that you should wake him up to go use to toilet in the middle of the night? Are these people ok? Do they have children of their own? Maybe jobs to attend to in the morning?

Maybe your child is not sleeping so well and you are thinking to work on both aspects at the same time so that when you are done, you are done. But how should you do that? Is that even possible? And what is with all these sleep consultants and potty training consultants who sometimes offer conflicting advice that seems impossible to apply.

They should come to your house, make your child sleep and then wake him to go to toilet in the middle of the night and expect him to go back to sleep right away. For sure! Let's see what this is all about, what can be done, what should be done or when and more importantly what is a myth, what is an unrealistic expectation for a child of a certain age and why is there so much conflicting information out there, isn't someone keeping an eye on this?

First of all, you should never work on both aspects at the same time unless you are really under time pressure but in general this will not work out anyway as each child has a certain unique rhythm. Around the age of 4 months, when a child's circadian rhythm is almost fully developed, parents can start working towards introducing a sleep schedule, healthy sleep habits or work around the feedings and sleep times to accommodate more rest during the night.

Is sooner really better?

Whereas, the sooner, the better (of course, not earlier than 4 months adjusted) is true for sleep, not the same applies for potty training, It can be much easier to improve the sleeping habits of a younger child, whose sleep associations have not yet been around for years, rather than running up and down the house at 3 in the morning after a child who got some sleep but not enough to feel fully rested. Rest assured, for each child there is a perfect sleep solution but it takes way less if you start early.

On the other hand though, although you might have heard from your parents or other parents how you have to start early with the potty training or else, “the child will never learn how to use it properly”. Not only is this wrong and damaging advice but the opposite is actually true. One of my first introductions to what and how to read about potty training and how exactly it can interfere with a child's sleep was this amazing article, that could not put in better words what conflicting and damaging information parents are flooded with.

I purchased all the books the author mentions and were available on the UK market and I started reading, taking notes, comparing and thinking, although my son is currently 17 months old and we don't even own a potty yet and don't plan to get one until he is around 2 either. I realised it has helped me a lot while working with older children as many parents face the same struggles and doubts: Am I doing the right thing? Is it too early? Too late?

A very good study that is still considered to be of reference today, it was published in the Pediatrics Journal in 2002 and basically, the conclusion is that, whatever “motivational” stories you might hear, it is perfectly normal for a 3 year old to not yet be out of diapers. The “food for thought” you should take with you today from this article is: Do not start too soon, carefully choose some good sources to dig into and make sure you do it because you are convinced it is the right thing to do, at the right time for your child and not because you feel left behind.

I am not a potty training consultant, although I have spent considerable amount of time researching the matter and what you can, without even blinking, believe as true is that there is no one size fits all! It is such a sensitive matter that it is worth investing in good books, good workshops or even a potty training sleep consultant. Your mother in law might be rolling her eyes when hearing about this (Oh dear! You can find anything these days, but you don't need it!). Actually you might and it is always better to feel safe than sorry. Be careful with the consultants though, as same with the sleep consultants, you find good and bad ones and there is not much external regulation going on that could monitor their certification, studies or opinions.

Nighttime dryness and sweet, uninterrupted sleep.

What is of actual interest for my field and for the parents who contact me is: What do we do now about nighttime dryness? There are so many solutions out there, from alarms you can install on underwear, putting a nappy on top of the clothes so that the child feels the wet sensation and wakes up on his own or even putting an alarm on your phone to wake him up and take him to the toilet.

Whereas in theory no solution is better than the other and sometimes none of this would seem like the right thing to do, I will not offer you any black on white advice as each situation is different. Expectations are different, resources parents have are different and also households are different, sometimes children sleep in the same room with siblings so the whole picture has to be assessed before you decide on installing a wetness alarm that will wake up all your beloved children who will be “up for the party” in no minute if the older brother has to go use the potty.

What is actually true and universal is that achieving nighttime dryness will be one of the last big challenges to overcome because it is very hard to help a child unconsciously control his or her bladder muscles during sleep. Sometimes it can be best to wait until this happens naturally and you start noticing dry diapers each morning.

When families who contact me bring up this issue already in the initial intake form, I make sure to set aside decent 20 minutes of the conversation to discuss about this. We assess properly what kind of independent self soothing and independent sleep skills the child has mastered and we take it from there.

What is also a non negotiable fact is that it is much easier to have the “sleep situation” under control so that you are sure that middle of the night wakings are actually caused by potty needs rather than habitual awakenings. For older children, frequent night wakings are more likely caused by sleep associations or too late of a bedtime rather than the natural and biological need to use the toilet.

There are of course some tips and tricks that work for everybody, no matter how “well” the child sleeps or how advanced he is with the potty training:

• Do not go into a battle of wills in the middle of the night and discuss everything that needs discussing in the middle of the day rather than in the middle of the night.
• Do not start any programs that imply sleep or potty changes right after you move into a new home or bring a new baby from maternity.
• Do not try to teach any lessons or shame the child for what his body is not capable of doing at the time he is “expected to”. Patience is key for both sleep and potty.
• Work around the fluid intake right before bedtime and during nighttime and make sure he really needs the drink for hydration and not comfort. Healthy children who received their OK from a paediatrician rarely need a drink in the middle of the night after 1 year of age, unless they are ill, the temperatures are sky rocketing in the summer or you are keeping the house too warm (remember 20 degrees Celsius is a great and safe temperature to have around the child's bedroom and the house in general).

Having said all this, I hope you feel more comfortable with whatever you have chosen and if you are ever in doubt, it is better to research deeper and wait rather than apply “over the counter” advice that can prove damaging afterwards and ruin other progress you managed to make with either sleep or potty training.